Contrariwise

Here’s my notes on the Christmas Catholic Carnival, number 152, hosted at A Catholic Mum Climbing the Pillars.

Heidi at Mommy Monsters Inc. (love the title!) offers a reflection on Mary’s and Elizabeth’s feelings during the Visitation. How did Mary feel after consenting to be the Theotokos? How can we compare Mary’s situation to modern times? It’s hard to analyze our Blessed Mother. I run into the same problem with her that I have trying to ponder Jesus during the hidden years of his childhood and early adulthood. In Bible study sophomore year, Maura, Tim, Jim, Ali, and I discussed whether Jesus would have ever dated. Fact notwithstanding that young Nazoreans didn’t date like people do today, it’s an interesting idea to ponder. He would have been incapable of lusting or any sin again chastity, of course, but even though he knew he would die without marrying, would he have gone walking by the well with a nice Nazorean girl?

Sr. Edith Brogue, OSB, shares a reflection presented to her sisters about St. Joseph’s role in the Holy Family and the Nativity, in light of this year’s Vatican nativity scene. St. Joseph gets left out almost all the time. It’s sad that in a world where fatherhood isn’t valued or popular, the greatest earthly father we have gets pushed aside as well. When I finally worked out a personal method of praying the rosary, I was proud to add “St. Joseph, pray for us” to my daily prayers.

Christine, of Domestic Vocation, recounts yet another harried health scare. Despite the challenges that come with being human, she managed to survive with a good outlook on redemptive suffering. I can relate.

Erin of Bearing Blog, who I also enjoyed in Carnival 151, offers a post I read last week about responding to rude questions about the size of your family. It’s none of their business how many children you have! A few weeks ago, when I went to replace my broken holy medal chain at the Shrine, I saw a woman with 5 small children, one of whom was carrying the second-smallest. In another part of my life, I would have shaken my head in pity, much like my mother would to this day. This time, I smiled, though with a worry in the back of my mind that the girl carrying her sister might not be holding on quite tight enough. Holiness takes time.

A different Heidi, of Streams of Mercy, wrote a beautiful story about how her understanding of evangelization (and evangelism) has changed over the course of her conversion to Catholicism. I believe that lifestyle evangelization is very important. If people can’t relate to you, they’ll never pay enough attention to see Christ in you. They won’t hear the Gospel if they’re not already willing to listen. I really must get around to reading that CDF document. Maybe, just maybe, I can squeeze it in before winter break ends.

I remember when reading the Catholic Carnival was the height of my week. Now I’m excited to finally be able to read one again! Last week’s was up at Aussie Coffee Shop.

Ian of Musings from a Catholic Bookstore comments on a Time article about the rising trend of large families among the affluent. I’m not seeing anyone right now, and discerning my vocation is a whole trial I’m not going to get into, but if I marry, I hope to have as large a family as God wants. Ian makes some good points about the reality of large families, even among the middle class. I can’t quite wrap my head around it, since I’m still a poor college student and my parents are still willing to help me out, but I know from FAFSA experience that when the government tries to make estimates about real people and money, they are often wrong.

Sean at A Catholic Canadian muses on whether online communities can–or should–replace real-life camaraderie. t’s important to think of technology-based communication as a scaffold to relationships, not a substitute. For example, Jim and I have a great friendship. I’ve even asked him to recommend me for grad school. We met on a CSC retreat, and then had Bible study together, but since we don’t see each other in person all the time, our friendship is supported by AIM. Without it, our friendship wouldn’t be as strong. Likewise, I’ve connected with some old friends using facebook. I make it a point to see people in person, though. It’s trickier when you don’t have much money, but sometimes quality time is worth it. Sean also mentions his interest in building community through the Knights of Columbus, which I, CDA Regent, think is a lovely idea.

At Bearing Blog (which is a neat title), Erin offers an analysis of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith’s recent document on the need for evangelization. The whole Church could use some good, strong pointers on how to evangelize effectively. As Maura puts it, we need better marketing. I’ll have to keep her pointers in mind, and read the whole document myself one of these days.

My Catholic past is rather checkered. I was baptized Catholic as a baby in the church where my parents were married. My dad’s family is not Christian; my mom’s has been Catholic for generations. I went to a (non-Catholic) Bible preschool, then on to public elementary school. I attended Sunday School until my mom got tired of dragging me out of bed to catch the bus every week. I went to all the CCD classes I needed before my First Communion without ever setting foot in the church until First Penance and the rehearsal.

When we moved to Germany and it was time for my sister’s First Communion, my mom discovered that I had to attend 7th grade CCD before I could join the 8th grade Confirmation class. Luckily, I was in the 7th grade at the time. We started to attend Mass again (always the Saturday Vigil, because we’ve never been morning people). On my Confirmation retreat, I went to confession for the second time–ever–and fell in love with God again.

When we moved back to the U.S., we stopped attending Mass. I missed going to church, but not enough to do much about it. In the year before Ryan’s First Communion, I started college. I did a lot of stupid things during that time, including wholly unworthily receiving the Eucharist at the Mass where Ryan (whose name means “little king”) played a king during the Gospel pageant. That same year, my dad joined RCIA.

Being in church again reminded me of the peace I’d felt there before. Jesus started calling me out of my relationship with my boyfriend and back to him. It took months, but on Ash Wednesday during my freshman year of college, I recommitted myself to chastity, received an absolution that was four years overdue, and returned to Holy Mother Church.

When I hear about people who’ve been to Mass every Sunday of their lives except the one where they had chicken pox, dads who left seminary to marry moms, and families who celebrate name days with special dinners, my heart aches. I wish so much that I could have had that kind of spiritual upbringing. I don’t blame my parents, per se. It really was an ordeal to wake me up on Sunday mornings before I started sacrificing that for the Lord. So now, I have to make up for lost time. I have to learn prayers for the first time that my peers have known since grade school. I have to wonder whether my family even bothers going to church when I’m not home to make them feel obligated (which, of course, they are).

There are signs, though, that my catch-up efforts aren’t in vain. I don’t know much about the saints at all, for example. I love St. Cecilia, my Confirmation saint and the first whose story I really got to know. St. Frances of Rome, my first annual patron saint, is buried in the Church of St. Cecilia in Rome. My middle name is Nicole; I used to live in Germany, where St. Nicholas is widely venerated. My birthday is August 30, the old-calendar feast day of St. Rose of Lima, my second annual patron saint. And finally, next year’s annual patron, St. Wolfgang, is another beloved German saint who was a noted teacher. Even after all this time, God’s sense of humor still amazes me.

Last night, I went home. I love to dance, so I was honestly upset that I wasn’t able to join the CSC’s biannual trip to Blob’s Polka Park. However, I had a good reason. My sister was filled with the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and I got to be her personal witness.

I’ve written about my struggles with my family and faith before (in my last entry, as a matter of fact). I don’t think my mom is fully aware of the position she’s put me in. My whole family has noticed how my devotion to Christ has grown. Thankfully, my mom hasn’t accused me of “preaching” since that one time. I didn’t really want to be Courtney’s sponsor, but I knew that I couldn’t insult my family by refusing. The fact that the Confirmation Mass conflicted with Blob’s was a sign, I think. God wanted me to do it, and He wanted to humble me by calling me to give up something I love for someone I love.

The first time I went home was also a sacrifice. It was Wednesday night. Wednesdays are very long for me this semester (work at 8:30am, class 10-11 and 11:30-1, lunch, then back to work from 2-4:30pm), but they culminate with CSC fun. I go there right after work and stay through the Rosary, Mass, dinner, and Holy Hour, so I don’t get back home until nearly 8 o’clock. It’s always great, though. But I gave that up, too, to attend the Confirmation rehearsal. It was ironic to be in a church on one of the rare weekdays I hadn’t been to Mass. Her class had a good thirty-five kids in it. Mine had about ten. (The Catholic population of our base in Germany was pretty small.) We started with prayer (yay!), and then spent a good hour discussing the logistics:

• Don’t carry anything during the processional.
• Smile! This is a joyous ocassion; don’t look so rigid.
• Girls, cover your shoulders (which sent my mom out for a blazer for Courtney’s dress; I had a similar problem six years ago).
• Speak loudly; the bishop is getting older.
• Bow before you receive the Eucharist—under both species.

And so on. We practiced the procession twice. Courtney got to lead it, which is unprecedented for a W family like ours. They set up for the group picture, we practiced singing, and my mom drove me back to campus. Then I wrote my rhetoric paper. I was analyzing “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop,” though, and I was in bed just after 2am, so it wasn’t that bad.

My mom picked me up early on Friday after post-Mass lunch. We made such good time that she took me shopping on the way home. I have gray pants now. I hung out at home until we had to leave for church. I haven’t figured out yet which Catholic mailing list got my home address, but charities keep sending me mail. And I got my state tax refund. I did get to show my mom what a holy water fount (for a home) looks like from the catalog I got, though. Her attitude toward my devotion has changed from “Stop making me feel bad for being so lapsed!” to “What does that mean?”

I felt ridiculously unproductive wasting a good hour in the church hall (the basement) before Mass started. I prayed a Divine Mercy chaplet for my sister, watched her photo session, prayed some more, sat around, and pinned her ribbon on. (I liked their idea for labeling everyone with their patrons. They put red stick-on letters onto wide white ribbon (the reverse for the boys) and attached them with Holy Spirit cross pins.) I can technically call her Thérèse (of Lisieux) now.

The Mass was really nice. I wound up sitting directly in front of the tabernacle. (Thanks, Holy Spirit!) I wasn’t fond of the Contemporary Choir’s choice of Gloria and Alleluia, but their meditation hymn was incredible. Even Bishop (Francisco) Gonzáles, our principal celebrant, complimented them on it. He gave a wonderful homily (with a little Spanish I understood). The Rite of Confirmation itself was pretty cool. When I was standing behind my sister, he called her Therese, and for a second I honestly thought, “Wait, who?” Then I remembered. After he washed his hands, he gave special blessings to a group of already-confirmed students. They called it a “recommitment.” Am I the only one who’s never heard of that before? The bishop didn’t seem fazed. Then, by Godincidence, I got to receive the Eucharist from him. That was pretty sweet.

After Mass, we processed out and back down to the reception hall. I complimented the bishop on his homily. When I told him that I’m from the UMD sort-of parish, he remembered Fr. Bill with a smile. Then I had some good Holy Spirit cake, looked at my sister’s scrapbook, and got back to campus around 11:30…after which we stayed up playing Password-style Catchphrase in the living room until 1:30. It was a good day.

I was looking for a link to Phatmass, so I could find some new Catholic wallpaper (I had Switchfoot before). In the process, I discovered a link to this classic Catholic children’s bedtime prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to take.
If I should live to future days,
I pray Thee, Lord, to guide my ways.
Amen.

Is anyone else surprised by that last part? I’ve been praying that since I was little, but I never knew there was more to it. (Yes, that means I still do it. Why mess with a good thing?) I also thought “thee” was just an odd pronunciation of “the,” but it works either way.

I had to teach myself the Guardian Angel prayer last year. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on so much having not grown up in a Catholic home. We had a FOCUS Ladies Prayer Service last night at the CSC (followed by an hour hanging out at Coldstone). One of the intentions I offered was for women called to the vocation of marriage, that they will find Christlike men with whom to build the domestic church. I still don’t think of my house…my family’s house…as a domestic church.

My family is only sort of Catholic. I’m the strange devout daughter. My dad worked on Sundays until recently; he never really seemed concerned about missing Mass every week, despite having converted less than a year before he took that job. My mom was baptized Catholic, married my dad in the Church, and got me back there in time for the Sacraments of Initiation, but I feel like she only did it out of habit. I have never known her to be happy about church, or even about God. Ryan was sent to CCD for the first time before his First Reconciliation and Communion two years ago, the same season my dad converted. He isn’t going this year. This year has been my sister’s turn, since my mom realized she was Confirmation age just in time for the second year of CCD.

I’m going home tomorrow evening for my sister’s Confirmation rehearsal. Wednesday is always my busy day with classes and CSC stuff. Ironically, I’m going to miss Mass. I could probably skip it, but the Holy Spirit is telling me to go. I was all but told that I would be her sponsor. The truth is that my mom doesn’t know any other Catholic adults. My grandmother was my Confirmation sponsor for the same reason (she at least goes to Sunday Mass every week), and my mom had to proxy because we were in Germany. This is also why I am my brother’s godmother. We’ve got a lot of sponsorship incest in my family.

When I think about this, I wonder about my own future. I’m not judging my family. God will get to them through me or any way He wills. But how can I consider myself prepared to build a Catholic home of my own someday when my family is Catholic, but our home is not? The changed in my relationship with all of them was inversely proportional to that with God. What can I do, though? What can I do?

I’m going to miss Holy Hour adoration as well. That’s a shame. I could have used that time to pray and think about all this. Or, more likely, write my paper.