You are drunk or an alcoholic when...

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Your job is interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? I think not!
• Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• You fall off the floor.
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
• 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
• At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
• You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and omen.
• Every night, you are beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
• Roseanne looks good.
• You Don't recognize your wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
• That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
• Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
• "I'm as jober as a sudge."
• The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

-From an e-mail forward.